There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
