In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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