What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
we should paint friendship bongs
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