Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
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