cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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