weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
