just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
