just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
