shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
