Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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