I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
