Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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