U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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