I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
