I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
