i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
