I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
My butt remains clenched, sir.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
