You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
