Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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