i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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