what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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