I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
