Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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