how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
