someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
