Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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