you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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