I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
