My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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