i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
