he puts the penis in happiness.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
