i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
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