I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
