your thong is hanging out like whoa
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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