The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
