Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
