he thought i was a dude.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
