I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
