i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just gift wrapped bread.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I just had sex on a roof
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
