this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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