She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
