btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
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