You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
