I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I stole a fireplace last night.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
