The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
