O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
