i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
