whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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