Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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