Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
