Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
third nipple confirmed
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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