just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
sick fucks of a feather flock together
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
My boob is missing a layer of skin
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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