I am spending my child support on dildos
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
