This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
